DAYDREAM BELIEVER

4:04:00 AM

Recently, I’ve been getting a few private Facebook messages from lesbians who are freshly out of the closet and requesting me to write an article about them or how to get along with them and having relationship with them.

LGBT folks are very close to my heart just to clarify. Ever since I started working for fashion magazines, apart from the glitz and glamour exposure—is a valuable chance of meeting incredible minds and talents who are lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders.

Honestly, this is a very sensitive topic to write about. So for me to have a truthful story, I immersed myself to know more about the lesbian community. It was not so long ago that I was a wide-eyed curious lad hungry for the answers about lesbian relationships until I met this lez couple.

I will never forget that awkward moment inside the coffee shop when I first met them. From the parking lot outside, I saw them walking towards me—both beamed their smiles at me as if they knew me for years already.

The ‘femme' lesbian appeared so lady-like as she walks donning her wrap-around dress with a mane that is sophisticatedly curled up. And the 'butch' lesbo was just a cool dude in ‘his’ orange polo shirt and beige cargo pants while sporting 'his' classic white Converse Chucks shoes.

Pressing questions about lesbian dating, speedily came into my mind; How do they met? When did the love grow? and How is their relationship right now? And for sure, it is hard out there for a new lez.

We are mostly familiar with the rules of the boy-girl relationship but lesbian culture, by nature, is extremely elusive. Maybe it was my aloofness that I felt awkward seeing them together seated right in front of me, witnessing how their eyes meaningfully glance at each other.

Maybe some of you my dear readers will just act disinterested, either becoming cold or bitchy on this topic but lesbians aren’t like gay men who shamelessly flaunt their colorful lives in the society and over the internet. They are still women by birth who don’t like things that are too easily to gain, and being in their circle is no different. Their culture is like a secret fashion gala only to an exclusive group of people “in the know.”—that is worth the wait and worth viewing. Affirmatively yes, their world is so secretive.

“When I commit to something, I go all in whatever it takes.” 'he' said.

“When I started dating and falling in love with 'him', I realized, yes I am a lesbian.” 'she' said.

After hearing those heartful statements uttered by them, I choked on my next question and for a moment I found my hands pressing against my chest—admittedly, I felt it. Gosh, they are real, they are here and they really know what love is.

To break such emotional seriousness, I tend to put a little humor by asking ‘him’.

So when was the last time you put make-up on your face?

“It was during my college graduation. Well, it was mandatory so I have to comply.”

Then ‘she’ burst out laughing. 'She' was turning at her back grabbing for 'her' pouch, looking for 'her' lipstick.

“I attempted to put my Chanel lipstick on ‘him’ several times but ‘he’ is always running away!”

Where do you usually go out for a date? I asked.

“We always go on a road trip—talking and trying to piss ‘him’ off with my out-of-tune pesky voice for which ‘he’ can still maintain 'his' calmness and patience hearing me singing (I guess…) and we stop to a serene place to eat our takeout food.” she vividly described.

“I love holding ‘her’ hands during long drive and if I need to calm ‘her’ down when conversation gets serious and I know that tears will flow next, so tissue paper is always ready for ‘her’ use. 'She' is a literally a crying cloud.” ‘he’ expressed.

Who said “I love you” first?

“Nope, we kissed instead.” They simultaneously answered.

Amazed by what I've heard, I said to myself, “Maybe this is the art of lesbian love affair?” – that collectively raise the bar of the norm and revealing lesbian relationship as a one brave new world.

I wonder if their relationship has sometimes suffered from the pain of the past; how they enjoyed doing simple public affection like hand holding; sharing laughter together like no one can hear; or by some caressing smooches and passionate gestures to one another.

A romantic slow dance on a magic flying carpet or a tender kiss when the sun comes down— those moments that give ‘him’ butterflies; the surprises that make ‘her’ blush and that both of them feel how blissful love and desire can be.

Thinking that this 'femme' would wildly meet this lovely 'butch' who has made 'her' heart burst out of ‘her’ chest with such kindness, intelligence, passion and vulnerability–undeniably 'she' never resisted.

‘She’ felt for the first time in a very long time that ’she’ is in that deeply-hearted moment; enjoying the newness of this lesbian romance can bring; the exchange of smiles; inhaling each ones' scents and the feeling of ‘her’ hand on ‘hers’ in public.

The time when ‘he’ mocked to be someone just to visit ‘her’ at ‘her’ neighborhood, their hearts were racing. The act that they cuddled inside the car, they felt the heat risen up into their faces; and as they walked holding hands in the park, their glances were burning sensation into each other.

It was all relief from all these happy thoughts thus 'she' decided to follow ‘her’ heart and listen to ‘her’ mind—as 'she' unleashes her true self.

I was about to ask my most important question to both pin down their feelings to one another when ‘he’ suddenly stood up and politely said goodbye—saying that ‘he’ can no longer return to what 'he' had left behind. No more turning back.

The choice that he has chosen—for 'him', is a selfless act but for 'her' understanding, it is selfishness.

For 'him', he decided for what 'he' thinks is safer due to some uncontrollable circumstances; and for 'her' she felt she was being used. She was just an option.

As I perceived it, everything is already ruined in their relationship and clearly 'he' cannot commit to finish their love story anymore.

‘She’ remained seated on the couch without any glimpse at ‘him’ walking away. Deeply breathing in and out and slowly became teary-eyed; trying to suppress tears not to pour down from 'her' eyes; yet she continued unfolding their story.

"‘He’ ended it by phone, from 1,833 miles away. ‘He’ couldn’t even give me a clear reason. What ‘he’ can only say was, “I need to see you, we must talk in my return.”

"After we hung up, my entire body got stuck-up. I curled my body on my stuffed pillow—crying. Honestly, I wanted to curse ‘him’ but then, I still wanted to love ‘him’– I did love ‘him’. I can still vividly remember our delightful days together; I am longing for ‘his’ voice; I am craving for ‘his’ touch; I miss sniffing 'his' scent of Versace parfum. I can still picture out how 'his' face turned red while holding that bouquet of flowers."

"Our relationship had been a kind of eternity, exceptional yet dangerous–and I was left behind and been kicked out."

"I had no idea how to handle that much pain. I thought I am tougher and learnt enough from my past ordeals but I was wrong. This was double the heartache that I never realized it will come by so quickly."

"I can’t call my parents, I can’t call any of my friends. Sleepless nights haunted me, until I barely ate. I tried my best to think rationally to save what we still have; I fought hard with all my mighty but ‘he’ let me lose; then eventually I found myself grieving alone and realizing the fact that ‘he’ had left and 'he' was gone."

Let go and let God. Surviving a lesbian break-up is hard.

Sometimes it may feel like you may never recover from the break-up. You can't control what another person does but you can control how you react. Love is not the same and appears more like human beings do; each one is unique in a never-has-been-before form– an art, where there are similarities, but no two ever alike.

Maybe, they had the right love at the wrong time.

From where ‘she’ stands now, ‘she’ truly feels no grief or regret anymore. ‘She’ is starting to let go of ‘her’ confusions, and most importantly, forgiving ‘herself' too— for the many mistakes ‘she’ had made while still keeping the faith that everything else will get better as soon as 'she' wakes up from this so called daydream.